I was with a friend watching this gay show during the pride march in my city. There was this dude singing with a stripper on each side. My friend told me that she had worked with those strippers in the same type of play/show (which is a monologue with semi naked dudes). She mentioned that they danced in a local gay club. They seemed like they were having a nice time, people were looking at them, and they were just there doing their thing: dancing, entering and exiting when they were ordered to. For a moment, I wanted to be a stripper, but I didn’t really know why. Do I want to be praised like them? Is that some kind of self validation? Do I feel like my youth is no being exploited enough? Do I want to enjoy dancing and make money out of that? Maybe my curiosity was a strange mix of all those questions.
Youth equals beauty?
I may not have the answer to that questions but I can drift away in it. As a 25 year old bisexual male, I feel like I’m in a hot spot. I sometimes ask myself, is this really what I’m doing with my life? Where’s the action? Where’s that heart pumping emotion? Where’s that roller coaster ride that movies sold me and that I naively bought? For god sake, where’s that living knowledge?! I’ve found some delicious stuff in books, wonderful stories, horror, drama, romance… After all that, I want my own story. How much can I write before I get stuck in an office?
Honestly, even though a life like that excites me, it also scares me. I can’t avoid thinking about the speech Elio’s father had on that Call me by your name movie:
We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!
I truly admire those close friends who react in a childish way to new experiences, new relationship stuff that spark joy in them. I’ve made love a mathematical dynamic of probabilities. Any life decision that involves a brave jump, is a coin in the air. Heads: an awesome life experience; tails: a rip out process and regret. I’ve had nice and beautiful experiences, but I feel that recently, everything has been “meh”. Is life supposed to be “meh”? Am I not looking to the important stuff? Is my desire for excitement making me not see that maybe it’s right in front of me? Or is it that excitement could be in the quietest life style also?
Maybe I want stories to tell for when my body is old and “nobody wants to come near it”. I guess that I’m relating youth, with a possibility of pain and sorrow, not in a bad way, but more like in a “I’m alive… this feels nice” way.
How you live your life is your business. Just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once, and before you know it, your heart’s worn out. And as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there’s sorrow, pain; don’t kill it, and with it, the joy you’ve felt.
Youth equals beauty because of those first times. The emotion, the physical reaction, the tingling, that weird feeling when you want to cry for someone and realizing that human side, so strong yet so delicate. Being young is beautiful, seeing my teen students brings me joy, feeling not so far away from when I asked myself the same questions that they’re to afraid to ask. Now, a few years later, I have some answers and looking for new questions… The main question: what if?
Look at me
Rihanna found love in a hopeless place. I think hopelessness is OK, it makes me feel that I don’t need to worry. That maybe if I keep going, I’ll eventually find a nice situation that I can cope with. But the coin is still in the air, I’m on the stage and hopefully somebody is watching and walking towards me.
After the loudness and kisses are over, a cup of tea and a good book will do us good. I hope that person will accept these naked feelings and this raw body. And I also hope that I won’t give up on tossing coins in the air.
PD: My friend said that one of the strippers is married and has a child. I think that living that lifestyle in that particular scenario might be different, right? I don’t know.
PD II: Escribí este post para extraer el pie de página para un vídeo que postearé en IG. Espero hacer las notas de la marcha del orgullo que fue el día de hoy.