Dear almost mid-20s,
I’m writing this letter because recently I’ve been feeling pretty anxious. You see, it’s been almost three years since I came out as bisexual and it has been awesome, I would’ve never guessed that being me could be so… joyful. But I guess that my anxiety is something personal that I don’t think has anything to do with my sexual orientation, or maybe it does, who knows? Point is, I just wanna share a few things that I’ve been thinking about lately.
- Body issues. Not that I hate my body, but you know, I could get in better shape. Sometimes when I’m scrolling on my Instagram feed I see these super buff, lean and hot dudes, which I really don’t mind checking out. Usually what I think about when I see them is “Am I ever going to get a bod like that?” and depending on the picture, I tend to fall in a internal debate of how my body type might look if I got buff. Then, I get pissed, yeah, fucking angry when I see that some of those guys are fucking 22-year-old people, like DUDE, I AM 24! And my pecs, abs and biceps do not look like that. Then I remember I’m a painter, but still. Although deep down, I know that the reason of me looking like that is a mere superficial desire, that will eventually lead me to hook up with guys with a similar physic. Then it gets more twisted when I wander and get to a conclusion that maybe I like people to like me and to not like them back with the same intensity. Then I feel bad, then I say «fuck it». All that while I’m looking at some random semi naked hunk.
- Girls…. And relationships in general. My brother gets jealous of the girls I’ve been hooking up lately. Take that, Brian! Now who’s the playboy?! And you thought I was gay (honestly, for a moment there, I thought so too). I wouldn’t mind being gay… but then I remember Kalie’s soft lips, how here skin trembles when I gently pull her body against mine, how her exhales become heavier, how her back makes a soft curve and how she looks at me. Oh that stare, those eyes that I mirror in lust, that scream: “What the fuck, Carlos?! Look, I’m going to the bathroom, and when I come back, THAT has to be hard…” During those minutes, everything was hard, except my dick. Out of our multiple encounters, that scenario happened a few times. I like to think I did well during the occasions that I did get a boner. Worst case is, it’s not only with girls… sometimes it’s with the guys also. But I’ve discovered something during a trip to Tucson. You see, I was browsing on Tinder and hooked up with this cute looking doctor that worked near by my Airbnb. We scheduled a date on a local coffee shop downtown. It was nice, we then had another date, and another. By that third date, we went to a club. He seemed like a guy that doesn’t go out that much, and I understood, being a doctor looks tiring. I heard a few stories of his job and it sounded exhausting. So that day we were with his friend. The line to enter was too long so we decided to go back to his friend’s house. Bought some beer on the way and when we got there, -thank god I wasn’t kidnapped- his friend put some music, we got some snacks and after a few shots of tequila and some cans of beer: we danced. Long story short: we got super drunk and all three ended up on the same bed, HOLD ON! No, it wasn’t a trio. At first, we cuddled, the doctor and I, took our clothes off and did it there. But the discovery was regarding a bite. The doctor bit me, you can not imagine how that turned me on, we tried to do it silently because of his friend who was right next to us. That bite felt good, and now that I remember, the best sex I’ve had with Kalie, have small gestures similar to that bite. And I wonder if I could own and embrace that possible knowledge regarding sex, maybe that would brighten up a few things with Kalie.
- Adulting… I ain’t even going to talk about that.
- I love being in my 20s! I just love it. I can hear depressing teenage music and move around a bigger spectrum of people. A slut…
I hope it gets better. See you in a year.